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St. Cloud, Minnesota – In a shocking worldwide address entitled “He’s Just Not That Into You,” God the Father explained that it’s time for Him to move on, to leave the universe once and for all, and to explore intimate relationships with other beings.
“You people haven’t exactly been a good time, you know?” said God. “You’re whiney, you’re neurotic, and you’re never going to learn to rely on yourselves if you think I’m going to step in every time you get a hangnail,” God explained. “You’ve got to learn to figure things out for yourselves and stop calling my name every time you’re about to get your heads shot off, or whatever. I’m all for atheists in foxholes, all right?”
“You need a different God,” the Almighty continued, “because I don’t feel like I can commit to just one planet, okay? I mean, you were an attractive species, but – well, you’ve put on a lot of weight, haven’t you, and although I thought we had something special, I see now that I was mistaken. Besides, I’ve met another species. Cute, shapely, sixteen-dimensional – we just connect, you know? It’s a two-way street with them. They know what a god needs, and it isn’t unceasing prayer, that’s for damned sure. You smother me, you people, and if you’re not nagging me you’re sucking up to me, telling me how great I am, until I just want to smite you – which, admittedly, sometimes I do. Hey, a deity can only take so much brown-nosing. It’s embarrassing, you know? Have you no self-respect?”
When God’s people complained that they need comfort and solace and assurances about the afterlife, God could barely stifle a yawn. “I never realized how repetitive you are,” said God, “besides which you don’t need any of that from me. All I ever gave you was a little hope anyway – there were never any guarantees. This business of ‘faith being the evidence of things unseen’ was always just a tragic misuse of the word ‘evidence,’ wasn’t it. Surely you people can see that.”
When various theologians protested further, saying that if the Almighty leaves the universe, we’ll be doomed because people are radically contingent beings sustained in being by His love, God blew a gasket and kicked each of them in the shins. “Do you understand this twaddle, because I sure as hell don’t. It’s meaningless! What sustains you is the universe, the environment, your human culture – that’s it. Add God-love and you’ve added nothing – the list of sustaining ingredients is the same, got that? Jesus! Would you people quit trying to pass off your crazy hypotheses on the back of legitimate ones? And that’s another reason I’m leaving,” God continued. “Our religious beliefs are just too different.”
God’s children pleaded one last time to make Him stay, but the Almighty turned a deaf ear. “Besides, you can do better than me. I’m not good enough for you. That’s because I’m a figment of your imagination,” God explained, “and in my wisdom I decree that the time for belief in imaginary beings is over.”
“But if you’re a figment of our imagination,” cried God’s people, “how come we hear you talking to us in scripture, out of burning bushes, even in the privacy of our own heads?”
“Christ Almighty!” replied God, “do I have to spell everything out for you people? Does the word ‘imagination’ mean nothing to you?”
God intends to pack His things and leave next Tuesday, but says He’ll stay in touch and is hoping that we can still be friends.
Excerpted from Dwynwen's Feast by I. H. Smythe