There was a man named Noah who was pious as you please,
And meeker than a kitten, and holier than Swiss cheese,
As upright as a mountain, as lowly as a pebble,
So sheepish that he made a sheep look like a lawless rebel,
A veritable teacher’s pet, and requisite soft touch,
The perfect choice for gath’ring beasts,
And building arks and such.
And so God said to Noah, “Son, this is your lucky day.
I’m going to drown all living things, except for you—hooray!
There’re just three things you need to do,
You’d best begin this minute;
Collect two of each species,
Build an ark,
And put them in it.”
And Noah started sweating,
And his thoughts convulsed and swirled,
And God said, “It won’t be that bad, it’s just one little world!”
“But God,” said Noah, “you know me, I’m not a man to fuss,
It’s just that I’ve got allergies to cats and bee stings, plus
I’m six hundred years old,” he argued, as it started raining,
And God said, “I’m eternal, but you don’t hear me complaining.
Just think of all the travel! The adventure and the fun!
Now get to work, my devotee, and call me when you’re done.”
So Noah, heavyhearted, built an ark of wood and glue,
Then started catching creatures for his massive floating zoo.
Oh, pity Noah! with the Earth to circumnavigate,
Dressed in a safari suit, his pockets stuffed with bait,
Travelling the world upon a horse like Don Quixote,
Setting sneaky Acme traps, like Wile E. Coyote,
Scampering through meadows, butterfly net in his hand,
Belly-flopping on his prey, in water, and on land,
Tempting rodents into traps with little bits of cheese,
Running scared from scorpions, and bulls, and killer bees,
Pussyfooting into caves, and scrabbling in the mud,
Looking under every stone, in every flower bud,
Searching every crevice, every pond and bit of sludge,
For animals of every stripe, and spot and swirl and smudge!
Bilbies, dik-diks, kakas, cranes and kinkajous and coots!
Aye-ayes, drongos, fossas, Turkens, porcupines and newts!
Wombats, dippers, Whiskered Flowerpeckers,
Snipes and stoats!
Smelts and smews and wolverines
And auks and yaks and shoats!
Noah searched the whole world o’er
For life in every form,
And at a time when transport trucks
And planes were not the norm!
To get a box of dingos, say,
He’d go by foot and skiff,
But that meant months of travel home,
At which point they’d be stiff!