Experts Prove Not One Even Remotely Amusing Thing in Entire Bible

Mount Sinai, Egypt – A government-appointed committee of humourologists from around the globe claim to have proven that, as a work of comedy, The Holy Bible is a catastrophic failure.

“There are 791,328 words and not a gag, a pun, or a wisecrack among them,” commented Rabbi Henny Whoopeecushion of the Holy Land. “Who could write that much material and not even accidentally say something that might produce a chuckle? The odds are against it, which, of course, adds further proof of His existence – only a divine entity could be that unremittingly not funny.”

“God wrote the Holy Scriptures after the Fall – but before the summer,” explains Biblical expert Eleazar Funstein. “Ha! A little joke! Actually, in all seriousness here, folks, God wrote the Bible before the invention of humour. If God were writing the scriptures today, the Bible would be a very different book. Sort of like, ‘In the beginning was the word, and the word was followed by ba-dum bum.’”

Other experts disagree with the findings of the committee. “Let’s face it – the whole Bible is just a joke from beginning to end,” says dogmatic atheist Rex Schnauzer, “especially when you take into account the fact that the tall tale genre was the highest form of humour before the Enlightenment. Noah’s Ark, Jonah and the Whale, Joshua and the Battle of Jericho, David and Goliath – these were the sort of yarns that kept the comedy clubs of Nineveh hopping in 3 BC.”

“Actually the Bible is a masterpiece of satire and is without a doubt the funniest book ever written,” continues Mr. Schnauzer. “You can’t read a verse like, say, Judges 4:21 without ending up with tears streaming down your face, pounding the floor with your fists and gasping for air – it’s that goddamn funny.”

Other experts contend that the humour issue is impossible to resolve because the Hebrews are a preternaturally patient people and are used to waiting centuries, even millennia, for a punch line. As if to emphasize the point, Rabbi Whoopeecushion vows that a Pentateuchical Comedyfest will be held next year in Jerusalem.

Excerpted from Dwynwen's Feast by I. H. Smythe