St. Cloud, Minnesota – God the Father, who has been out of the universe on business, returned unexpectedly yesterday to the surprise of all his earthly children. “I leave the universe to run by itself for a few thousand years, and what happens?” God asked, striking his forehead with the palm of his hand. “I didn’t invite all these people – what are they doing on my planet drinking all my booze? And where the hell are the rainforests? Where did you put all those whales I made? What do you mean you ate all the woolly mammoths?”
Faced with the Almighty’s wrath, God’s children could do nothing but stare sheepishly at the ground and scuff their feet in the dirt. “I leave you alone for the geological equivalent of five minutes because I think you’re mature enough to handle a little responsibility, and this is what happens,” God thundered, pointing to the oil spills, beer cans, and empty potato chip bags littering the planet from one end to the other. “I even leave a few basic rules behind to guide you, but what good does it do? I mean, what part of “Do Not Kill” don’t you people understand?”
When God’s children tried to explain how word had gotten around, and how one thing had sort of just led to another until the whole thing had somehow gotten way out of hand, God wouldn’t have any of it. “Talk to the hand, people,” He said, shooing them away from His Almighty presence. “You’re supposed to be made in my image! Ha! That’s the joke of the epoch! I’m creative, I’m interesting, I’m funny as hell – but what do you people think interests me? Holiness! Oh, please! As if I give a rat’s ass! Being holy was your idea, not mine. What I care about are my Great Auks – where in blazes are they anyway? And don’t try telling me I must have left them in my other pants!”
When God’s children pointed to scripture and mumbled, “But we thought you said –”, God picked it up and swatted them on the head with it. “You call this journalism? Where did your reporter get his quotes? I never said any of this. And what is this?” an irate heavenly Father asked, pointing to His favourite continent. “What the hell did you do to Africa?”
In response to their unacceptable behaviour, God has grounded His earthly children (“There’ll be no trip to the moon for you this summer!”) and has taken away their celestial TV privileges, blacking out the heavens until further notice.