McNoddle’s Retrenching After Attempt to Open New Restaurant

Apple Valley, New Jersey – In a daring new move calculated to show how McNoddle’s is living up to its “Have It Their Way” slogan, the worldwide franchise attempted to open up a new restaurant yesterday that was to cater exclusively to the Jain community and operate on strict Jain principles. “The monks and nuns from the local temple are just super people,” said McNoddle’s spokesman, Tex Heiferman, yesterday, just prior to the opening of the new McJain’s, “and we at McNoddle’s want to prove that there is no culture or religion in the world that can’t be assimilated into our fast-paced McEthic of immediate gratification.”

The sexy new spiritual look was enhanced by the teenaged staff members, all of whom were required to dress like one of the twenty-four Tirthankaras and to follow at least three of the five vows (their choice) of nonviolence, truthfulness, nonstealing, chastity, and nonpossession while behind the counter. The Happy Feast was to be replaced by The Compassion Feast, which consisted of one leaf of iceberg lettuce, specially handpicked to avoid damage to the mother plant. “Given that starving yourself to death is a virtue in Jainism, we keep the portions nice and small. Really, it’s a win-win situation for everyone – ancient Indian food at modern American prices.” Increasing the profit margin even further was the fact that Jain patrons bring their own little bowls wherever they go. “We don’t even have to supply the dishes!” exclaimed Mr. Heiferman, rubbing his hands together in the universally understood expression of excessive greed.

The mood was one of jubilation yesterday as bald and barefoot Jain monks queued around the block, eager to get a taste of this newfangled McKarma. All was well until several Jain monks actually lined up at the counter and ordered their food. Only then was it discovered that the monks are not allowed to carry any money whatsoever and are only allowed to beg. “This is America, people,” Mr. Heiferman said as he swept the bewildered little men out the door, locking it behind them. “In America we don’t call people like you ascetics – we call people like you bums. Go on! Get outta here!” Mr. Heiferman was later heard muttering, “Those people in marketing have a lot to answer for.”

After this disappointing experience, and with the knowledge that the McNoddle’s demographic department is apparently not doing any field work whatsoever but is simply using information it finds on the Web, McNoddle’s is rethinking its decision to open a restaurant that was to cater specifically to the Klingon Empire. (Later, Mr. Heiferman admitted that the problem is not so much the possible fictitious nature of the empire, but the fact that “the Klingon’s main delicacy is Gagh, a dish composed of raw, live worms – worms that just keep wriggling out of the bun, dammit.” McNoddle’s, whose new competitor, Ferengi’s, is eating up the market, also has doubts that the tenets of Klingon philosophy, especially the outrageous ideal of “Success with Honour,” can be assimilated into the McNoddle’s Ethic.)

Excerpted from Dwynwen's Feast by I. H. Smythe