Cape Canaveral, Florida – In an effort to locate water on Mars, top NASA scientists today announced the launch of a rocket which will travel forty million miles from earth at a speed of twenty-five thousand mph in an effort to deliver traditional dowsing equipment to the planet.
“Our scientific equipment with all its fancy doodads and high-tech gizmos wasn’t finding a dang thing,” said top scientist and intuition technologist Dr. Corpus Callosum, “and we thought, hell, why not give a proven traditional method a chance? Our technology is only a few years old – why not rely on the wisdom of the ages to provide some solid answers for a change?”
The wisdom of spending several billion dollars in order to send a pointy stick to Mars has been questioned by some, but many are ready to leap to the scientists’ defence. Respected Yeti hunter Harry Flake explains. “Historically, scientific equipment has been absolutely useless at detecting the presence of Big Foot, the Loch Ness Monster, extraterrestrials, and what have you. Not only that, but these guys can’t seem to find hard evidence for simple, everyday notions that even a child can grasp such as telepathy, reincarnation, feng shui, and the power of celestial objects billions of light years away to regulate every aspect of your life. The question is not, ‘Is there water on Mars?’ The question is ‘Why do we bother to pay these impotent bunglers?’”
Renowned master of levitation, Guru Abstemious Yeast, agrees. “No offence,” said the little Indian man, adjusting his turban and loincloth, “but when it comes to finding things, these guys are rubbish. I can be floating three feet in the air right in front of them, and they cannot discover the real reason for my flotation. Trust me – these guys cannot see the forest for the strings – I mean trees. The point is, if you want to find answers, don’t send scientists.”
This is the second attempt to send dowsing apparatus to Mars; the first ended catastrophically when the divining rod, having not yet cleared the gravitational pull of the earth, began twitching wildly upon detecting water on its home planet, reversed the direction of the rocket, and plunged into the Sahara desert. Scientists guarantee this tragedy will not repeat itself as the rocket will be launched on an auspicious day, in the year of the Monkey, when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligned with Mars.