The Religious Are So Amusing!

The Religious are so amusing!

with their funny little ways,

Their alms, their psalms, their jihads,

and their witchipoo flambées!

Their brooms, their bowls, their bells,

their books devoted to the dickens,

Their passion plays, their judgment days,

their sacrificial chickens!

The Religious are so amusing!

with their supernatural notions,

Their inquisitions, superstitions,

martyrish devotions.

How I like their long, stern faces!

“Don’t do this” and “Don’t do that,”

And I like the funny man who wears

the funny pointy hat.

The Religious are so amusing!

Look! They’ve books without errata!

They’ve incantations, flagellations,

they’ve even got stigmata!

They’re very big on virgins –

the priest, the monk, the nun,

And other sorts of masochists

who don’t much like much fun.

The Religious are so amusing!

and I think it’s simply swell

That they’d rather go to church

on Sunday morn than go to hell.

They like to make a racket,

then pray quietly in their pew,

But they hate it when you sneak right up

behind them and yell “Boo!”

The Religious are so amusing!

at all naughtiness they scoff,

And if you have a foreskin,

then they’ll prob’ly whack it off.

They look so smugly sad

at the misled, the damned, the liar,

For all but them are doomed

to boil in Satan’s deep fat fryer.

The Religious are so amusing!

with their celestial bosses,

They like grape juice, unleavened bread,

and people up on crosses.

Sometimes they ring my doorbell,

then beneath my bed I hustle,

And stroke my little Darwin fish

and pray to Bertrand Russell.

The Religious are so amusing!

they love things pecuniary,

From art to coffers full of gold

to tacos shaped like Mary.

Bedfellows, ne’er! With unbelief

and skeptical codswallop,

Trustworthy faith is proof

and sluttish reason is a trollop.

The Religious are so amusing!

I just think they’re simply super,

And in no way do I mean to be

a celestial party pooper.

It’s the skeptic who’ll be stunned to find

religion’s not a fraud!

And shocked this doggerel’s holy writ

penned by Almighty God.

Posted by: Almighty God

Excerpted from Dwynwen's Feast by I. H. Smythe