NameMorrie Bund
BioDyspeptic Bank Manager
Sunday May 17th
2:33 PMTweet! Have opened Twitter account so can broadcast activities, opinions, state of health to entire planet.
2:51 PMBoldly making public what was once considered private and tiresome.
2:52 PMSunday, church — forced to attend by wife. Asinine sermon, ought to have food critic review communion. Ack! Must Jesus taste like cardboard?
2:54 PMSermon based on Judges 14-16 story of Samson and Delilah. Estimate IQ of Samson maybe 68 tops. Completely incapable of pattern recognition.
2:55 PMTypical Biblical character. None too bright but willing to do his part for mythology.
2:55 PMBut Noah! What a guy! Boss gives impossible assignment, he accepts. Exactly how I've risen up the ranks myself. Expect promotion tomorrow.
2:58 PMYes, promotion. And about time — best years of life etc. Deserve raise, corner office, Judy. Too bad bowels stopped up with Moira's tongue...
2:58 PM...sandwich. Preparing by shellacking shoes, shining suit, collecting two of every animal, metaphorically speaking. Ready for glory!
2:59 PMStill, nervous, uncertain. Have been overlooked for promotion before in favour of Huberman. Huberman the Überman. CEO's pet.
2:59 PMDamn Huberman! Damn his manicured nails, his executive hair, his irresistible charm!
3:01 PMI see Judy looking at him — like a little girl gazing at a firefighter who's just rescued a kitten. Let me rescue your kitten Judy!
3:02 PMMeanwhile, will watch playoffs. Money riding on outcome. Recliner, cold beer, nuts. Heaven on Earth.
4:11 PMGood God! Have these guys ever played this sport before? Definitely not digging deep, not giving 110%. Reminded of Samson post-haircut.
4:24 PMDown $50. Post-game interview, player says, “We just weren't motivated.” What? The man makes 3 million dollars a year, what does it take?
4:43 PMMoira calling for supper. Must feign sleep.
4:54 PMReminder to self: let Trevor out of basement.
Monday May 18th
6:51 AMPromotion day if wife does not kill with cooking first. Islet of Langerhans acting up after Moira's Turkey a la kahck.Trevor has the ague.
6:53 AMOn subway. Late. Had to buy ague retardant, turkey-bone solvent for throat where one lodged. Badly want promotion, especially secretary.
6:54 AMAll reading papers, books, plugged into iPods, texting, yapping on cell phones (heard 30 people say “I'm on the subway” in perfect unison).
6:56 AMSitting next to student, able to improve self by reading textbook over shoulder.
6:57 AMNo one pays attention to surroundings in these modern new times. Ideal time for alien invasion, meteor impact — no one would notice, or care.
7:16 AMStill stuck on subway. Promotion imminent. Will have to bolt like Bolt. Wait for me sweet Judy!
7:17 AM(Judy like gentle breeze on beach in summer. Moira like drizzle on bog in Feb.)
7:18 AMBTW, thinking I've got the advantage in case of Bund vs. Huberman. H. always has to look up TVS6 codes but I've got them memorized. Moron!
7:27 AMOne moment, then I'm off like a Helicobacter pylori which, according to student's textbook, moves faster in relative terms than cheetah.
7:28 AMReady, steady.....
7:41 AMDay not proceeding as planned. Surprised when, sprinting across 5th while texting, struck by bus and subsequently declared dead.
7:42 AMTwitter working in afterlife (now that's technology!) — will be able to report posthumous events. Currently oscillating between netherworlds.
7:44 AMSoul left body, travelled through tunnel toward bright light. Choir of angels, glory of God, etc. Standard procedure.
7:47 AMMet in afterlife by Mother. Dear God! Not Mother!
7:48 AMMother whacks shins with cane. “You could at least pretend you're glad to see me, Mr I-don't-care-about-anybody-but-myself,” she says.
7:50 AMDisoriented. Feeling light-headed, presumably due to ephemeral body and consequent lack of blood pressure or pulse.
7:52 AMOh God! Am I dead? Am I really dead? Implications sinking in. ARGH! Now HUBERMAN has the advantage!
1:38 PMStanding around with Mother on cloud, hugely upset over abrupt change of plans. Wanted promotion to CORNER OFFICE, not to celestial realm.
1:39 PMMust be mistake. Wanted PROMOTION. Instead I've been fired, and not just from job. Layed off from life. Forced retirement from existence.
1:40 PMWas I not necessary?
1:40 PMJust like that I'm dismissed from team. Everything interrupted. No time to clean out desk. Hope flask will not be discovered, plus stack of
1:41 PMNo more recliner, beer, nuts. Will miss final game of series. Doomed to spend all eternity, world without end, wondering who won 2009 cup.
1:42 PMMother slaps back of head, ending reverie. “You're here because you did something stupid, right Mr Stupid?” Mother right, for once.
1:44 PMBeing directed by cherubim (“I'm a seraphim, Idiot!”) to different cloud (#9). Cumulonimbus. No silver lining evident.
1:45 PMAccording to sign Heaven ten furlongs dead ahead. Restaurants, canoeing, ark of covenant, laundry facilities, river of life, picnic tables.
1:47 PMAngels singing, swooping, like bats. Also chubby baby angels, some with bows and arrows, like in those paintings...
1:47 PM...Lack of archery training, diapers, worrisome.
1:51 PMThousands of people on knees, praying — i.e. begging and brown-nosing...
1:51 PM...these being the essence of any conversation with omnipotent being who could squash you like a bug with a single thought.
1:53 PMBetter start worshipping, entreating Jesus to let self into Heaven. Luckily, due to nagging wife, personal church-going record excellent....
1:53 PM...Actual belief record less impressive.
1:54 PMI praise thee, Oh Jesus. Jesus! I'm sorry, all right? About everything. Just don't hurt me. Oh God, please don't hurt me....
Tuesday May 19th
7:21 AMAm still dead. Exact location in hereafter unknown. Pressing crowd, supplicants, Mother. Surprised not to find self in hell actually...
7:22 AM...although recall yelling as bus struck “I accept Jesus Christ as my personal saviour!” to be on safe side. Pascal's wager etc.
7:23 AMAhead large throne with glowing bearded figure. Possibly judgment seat of Christ, if Sunday school lessons accurate.
7:24 AMFeeling tense. Desire not to be cast into everlasting fire growing stronger as queue shortens. Reminded of standing in line to see Santa.
7:25 AMMother cuffs ear. No reason.
7:26 AMCan this be real? Am I dead? I mean honestly DEAD? DEAD dead?
7:27 AMA bit of a shocker, since never took religion seriously — assumed minister parroting drivel dreamt up by imbeciles. I mean, come on.
7:27 AMNow, because of thoughtful nonbelief, may burn for eternity. Bother.
8:31 AMGrr. Wanted earthly reward, not heavenly variety. Will demand to be sent back! Who's in MY office, MY chair? On whose lap does Judy sit?
8:33 AMAlmost there. Angels, like elves, directing. See others receiving imperishable crowns, trophies. Tempted to climb on lap, ask for secretary.
8:34 AM30 minute wait from this point.
8:54 AMMother now at feet of Christ. Receiving many-jewelled crown, golden crockpot, matching oven mitts and tea cozy sewn from Mary's veil.
8:55 AMMuch praise for the old bitch. Bloody hell. God apparently not watching activities on Earth as advertised.
9:04 AMMy turn to be judged by ... Christ Almighty! Is that a TRAPDOOR in front of throne?!
9:05 AMApproaching Christ, looks vaguely like Huberman.
9:06 AMBowing at feet of Christ, hopefully can't see me texting. Jesus not only God made flesh — Jesus also God made hair. On toe knuckles.
9:06 AMLike kneeling at feet of Bilbo.
9:09 AMJesus white with brown hair, brown eyes, beard, as in pictures. Shorter in real life. Also clearly male. Feminists 0, televangelists 1.
9:12 AMJesus wearing robe, looks like dress to me. In addition to omniscience possible Stephen Fry has more in common with Almighty than suspected.
9:13 AM(Yes, Stephen Fry gay. I know, I know. Shocking. Have read everything, seen everything he's ever done and never once suspected.)
9:18 AMCurrently receiving lecture. Jesus in pickle. Legally can't send to hell due to last minute “conversion” but would like to smell burning.
9:59 AMLecture continues. Jesus mad as wet hen. I don't think He does love everybody. I don't think He even likes them. Humanity one big headache.
10:27 AMRecess called while case considered. Still incredulous. Seeing not necessarily believing. Seeing also deceiving. Mirage, beer-goggles etc.
10:28 AMWhich is more likely? That I stand at judgement seat of Christ or that I am insane? Will never know for sure. Trapdoor getting hotter.
4:39 PMWaiting, waiting. Sweet Hereafter obviously administrative nightmare. Did He anticipate BILLIONS of humans when designing this place?
4:40 PMOr did He make same blunder as when designing Earth?
Wednesday May 20th
7:20 AMStill at throne of Jesus, still kneeling on trapdoor.
7:21 AMFast-forwarding through life on 24,000-inch TV. If bus had not done the job, would now die of humiliation.
7:23 AMAlso gigantic golden scale weighing intentions, motivations, outcomes. Like seesaw with white on one side, black on the other.
7:24 AMWhite side of scale no longer visible without aid of telescope.
7:28 AMNote that black side weighed down with thoughts of Judy, Huberman. Oh my little Bunnykins! Oh my Judy!
7:34 AMThoughts projected on screen prove true love, or reasonable facsimile. Just not true love for wife. Possible conflict of interest?
7:36 AMHa! Gabriel reminds Jesus of incident long forgotten — Bible camp 1976 — asked Jesus to save self in moment of adolescent piety.
7:36 AMJesus rolling eyes, muttering own name.
7:41 AMLoophole! Jesus's blood washes away sins past, present, AND future. If had known this earlier, would definitely have tried drugs, slept with
7:43 AMAgain the lecture — rehash of Sermon on Mount, scolding for treatment of pyromaniac son, primitive attitudes toward “personal assistants”...
8:20 AMAsking Jesus if can be sent back to Earth. “There's nothing I'd like better,” He replies.
8:21 AMHowever, since body rotting two days in metal drawer, Jesus claims hands are tied.
8:22 AM“But I thought you could raise the dead,” I counter.
8:22 AM“Sure, back in the day,” He says, “before autopsies and organ donation. You want to be raised with eyeballs I assume.”
8:22 AM“Listen,” He says, “your brain, your organs — it's all gone. Either they gave it away, harvested it for study, or it's rotten by now, okay?”
8:23 AM“Forget it. Move on, Buddy.”
8:33 AMJesus renders “to each according to his deeds.” Leave with stern warning, cheap crown, various merit badges. Sew on sleeve as in Scouts?
8:42 AMPhew! Relieved to have escaped ETERNAL damnation for various petty offenses that God in omniscience knew of before birth. (Harsh but fair?)
8:47 AMFind self on fluffy cloud with Mother outside pearly gates. Crowd high-fiving. Me thinking of Judy. And Huberman. Death's too good for him.
5:50 PMStill waiting on cloud with Mother outside pearly gates.
5:51 PMNote that pearls must be made by mollusc or else fake. Wonder if God created giant molluscs to create giant pearls. Will ask.
5:53 PMMother occasionally slapping head, shoving tip of cane in lower back. Bizarrely, inexplicably, full of peace, love, joy. Irritating.
6:12 PMApproaching St Peter (I assume, as has keys the size of garden spades). Presiding over Book of Life where name hopefully written in CAPS.
6:14 PMHere's a thought: seem to remember no marriage or giving in marriage in heaven — what about giving of secretaries? Must ask.
6:15 PMRecalling Judy's cashmere sweaters, ethnic charm — the way she used to say her own name. “I'm Yudy,” she'd say. “Yudy from Yermany.” My Love!
Thursday May 21st
7:37 AMStill outside pearly gates, still incredulous. Must be joke, nightmare. Asked Mother to pinch self, felt no pain. Left hook to jaw — nothing.
7:37 AMWANTED poster plastered on exterior walls of heaven. Note that Richard Dawkins in deep doo-doo.
7:38 AMLikewise Hitchens, Harris, Hirsi Ali, Fry, Laurie, Penn, Teller, Davies, Allen, Attenborough, Blackmore, Branson, DiFranco, Simpson (Lisa)..
7:39 AM...Steinem, Sweeney, Thompson, Briain, Chomsky, Dennett, Pinker, Pullman, Foster, Shatner, Björk, Lehrer, Rushdie, Randi, Pratchett....
7:40 AMPhil Collins apparently in big trouble for song “Jesus He Knows Me.”
7:41 AMAlso Sussudio — unforgivable. (If unforgivable, is composing Sussudio the sin against the Holy Ghost as in Mark 3:29?)
7:42 AMPoster on wall 6,000 furlongs square. Heavenly hostess explains heaven a city as in many cartoons/Revelation/Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.
7:45 AMCity walls composed of 12 layers precious stone. Each layer well over 100 miles high (on Earth only 50 miles to space) so layer-effect lost.
7:45 AMCalculate that walls of heaven about 780,000 stories high. Just a bit boxy! Name of architect? Avoid!
7:47 AMCan't stop thinking about Judy, more precious than precious stone. Was so looking forward to stroking hair, kissing lips, introducing self.
8:25 PMConversing with various people/angels/burning bushes/talking donkeys as in Numbers 22:30. Seem to be a lot of Christians around here.
Friday May 22nd
8:15 AMMoving ever closer to pearly gates. Seems intuitively obvious that giant pearl would make worst gate possible. Just try attaching hinges!
10:34 AMFinally at gates of heaven! As suspected, giant pearls impractical. On a winch. St Peter hunched over desk, checking Book of Life for name.
10:36 AMFor Pete's sake! Could the man flip pages any more slowly? Must he lick index finger every time?
10:56 AMAges later my name found in Book of Life, thank God! But...oh, drat! Name spelled wrong. Ho hum, more processing of papers, more red tape.
10:56 AMSt Peter looking haggard, bored, like maybe could deny Christ fourth time.
10:58 AMFeeling sorry for St Peter. Fisherman turned administrator. Desk cluttered with forms, comically oversized keys, bait.
12:12 PMError in Book of Life corrected. Able to enter heaven freely? No, more paperwork which, being a former manager, I rather enjoy.
12:13 PMGiven citizenship and immigration application. To be given refugee status — as in Psalm 46:1 “God is my refuge.” Therefore, by extension...
12:16 PMMust fill in date of birth, smoking/nonsmoking, religious affiliation (only one box to check off ), sex (again, one box — NO)...
12:17 PM...SIN number. NOT Social Insurance Number — actual sin, i.e., quantity of sin in before-life...
12:17 PM...height of new spiritual body (same as former carnal body), weight (zero).
2:50 PMAll forms finally filled out. Given Bible, map, pamphlet (“It's YOUR Heaven!!!”) in handy carrying case.
2:51 PMAttempting to ditch Mother, but hanging on to sleeve, cannot be shaken or peeled off.
2:53 PMMore waiting. Angels suggest activities to relieve boredom, all of which involve worshipping Jesus — does not sound promising but will try...
3:00 PMI worship thee, Oh Jesus, I praise thee, Oh Jesus, Gentle Jesus meek and mild, Our Father who art here, actually, and so forth and so on...
3:01 PMWorship of Jesus not proving to be boredom buster so studying map of heaven instead.
3:02 PMRiver of Waters of Life (H2O?), Tree of Life that beareth 12 types of fruit (due to miracle of grafting, presumably), mansions with names —
3:02 PM— including mine! A bit on the smallish side but can't be picky. Gosh! Will be living across street from Mother Theresa!
3:03 PMWill also be living across the street from Mother. Jesus Christ. “What? No, no I wasn't talking to you...”
Saturday May 23rd
7:04 AMBeing guided through pearly gates by huffy, sour-faced Angel (perhaps did not expect to be glorified doorman when created)...
7:05 AM...past signs with silhouettes of ne'er-do-wells with red slashes through them. No whoremongers, sorcerers, idolators, as in Rev.21:8.
7:07 AMFinally in heaven! Wow! Very impressive, sparkling clean, if a bit sticky due to land flowing with milk and honey.
7:10 AMStanding at bustling intersection of streets of gold. Streets lined with crosses instead of lampposts, Jesus-fish on manhole covers...
7:10 AM...traffic lights of emerald, ruby, amber. Opals embedded in road as lane dividers. Not in Kansas anymore, Toto.
7:11 AMDouble decker buses of garnet, wheels of onyx, pearl headlights. Exhaust smells pine fresh, buses silent. Hard not to get run over again.
7:13 AMPermanent rainbow overhead. Lots of billboards — slogans like “God is Love” and “We Told You So”.
7:25 AMMassive golden buildings studded with diamonds, rubies, emeralds, pearls, endangered-animal parts. Classy.
7:29 AMA lot of neon, colourful fountains, palm trees. Like Vegas, without the casinos. Instead churches galore. A religious person's paradise.
7:34 AMSigns on church lawns say things like, “Worship Service — Ongoing, Eternal” and “Are YOU saved? Don't be an idiot! You're here, aren't you?”
8:24 AMMany citizens wearing robes, shoes, ball caps with IHS printed on them. Maybe brand name. Short for what? I hate sin? I heart salvation?
8:25 AMAlso lots of people with VFD on their robes and a tattoo of an eye on one ankle. Not a clue.
8:38 AMAngels a bit of a nuisance, flying around all over the place. Loud! All those flapping wings, all that infernal singing. Preening, roosting.
8:40 AMChart by side of road — angels in silhouette, labelled. Seraphim, Cherubim, Thrones, Dominions, Virtues, Powers, Principalities, Archangels.
8:40 AMCan tell apart by structure. Eg. Angel dive-bombing me (too close to nest?) — Seraphim. Obvious by shape of spoiler, horizontal stabilizers.
11:14 AMFinally managed to ditch Mother by darting into Heman's Harp Shop.
11:14 AM“Hi, you look new,” says guy in sackcloth, ashes. “I'm Heman — maybe you know me from Psalm 88?”
11:15 AM“Afraid not,” I reply. “Oh, come on, I wrote it,” Heman says. “Listen to this...”
11:15 AM‘I am afflicted and ready to die from my youth up; while I suffer thy terrors I am distracted.’ Ring any bells?”
11:16 AM“Sorry,” I say. Heman sighs. “They never remember the little guys of the Bible do they? It's all Jesus this and Jesus that...”
11:17 AM“...What about Chuza?” asks Heman. “Hmm? Ever heard of Chuza?”
11:17 AM“Sorry,” I say, backing away. “What about Jeduthun? Abihu? Bezalel?” “Nope,” I reply, tripping on a sign that says “Psale on psalteries!”
11:18 AM“It's always the way,” says Heman. “Gad, Huldah, Jochebed, Me — we're all forgotten. It's just like I said in my Psalm — Psalm 88 —”
11:18 AM‘Like the slain that lie in the grave, whom thou rememberest no more, thou hast laid me in the lowest pit, in darkness, in the deeps — ’
11:19 AMI interrupt. “There's no such word.” “What?” says Heman, clearly annoyed. “There's no such word as ‘deeps’.”
11:19 AM“Hey buddy,” replies Heman, “do you know what ‘infallible’ means?”
11:28 AMAfter boring argument, and being offered lessons on the cymbals (“They're my specialty — hey, it's not as easy as it looks you know”)...
11:28 AM...I escape Heman's clutches. Study map — note that mansion across town. Thousands of furlongs across town.
11:32 AMFind bus stop, sit on pew. Will wait for God knows how long. Note carillon playing old hymn: “Fade, Fade, Each Earthly Joy”. Oh my Judy!
Sunday May 24th
7:18 AMBus pulls up to stop, gospel music blaring like ice cream vendor's.
7:19 AMDoor opens, driver says, “Hi there, I'm Jehu the son of Nimshi. You might know me from 2nd Kings?”
7:19 AM“I don't think so,” I reply. “A shame,” replies Jehu, “it's some of God's best material. INSPIRED. Well, it's all inspired really — ”
7:20 AM“Anyway, welcome aboard!” says Jehu. I sit, then note plaque at front of bus. 2nd Kings 9:20...
7:20 AM‘And the driving is like the driving of Jehu, the son of Nimshi; for he driveth furiously.’
7:21 AMBus takes off like rocket, swerves crazily as if being driven by lunatic, at which point I notice a bloody head in a bucket by Jehu's feet.
7:22 AM“Oh, it's just a reminder of the good old days — you know — Biblical times,” he replies with a dreamy look when I ask him what the hell's that.
7:22 AM“The slaying, the smiting — ” says Jehu, in a sort of reverie. “It was more than just a job, you know?”
7:25 AM“There were SEVENTY heads in buckets that day, my friend,” says Jehu, “and by the way, I'M the one who trampled Jezebel to death...”
7:26 AM“...AND I ate a full meal afterwards.” Jehu sighs. “Wasn't I something else?”
7:27 AMI ask to get the hell off the bus, but Jehu says, “Relax, this is Heaven. Nothing bad can ever happen again. It's completely danger free.”
7:27 AM“All those virtues,” says Jehu, “ — courage, fortitude, resilience, restraint, caution, prudence, faith, foresight, moderation, wisdom — ”
7:28 AM“Well, you can forget 'em. You don't need 'em here. Isn't that great?” says Jehu, yanking the steering wheel violently to one side.
7:30 AMI move farther back and consider upcoming journey of many “Earth” days. Why rush? Could take a million years, would still have all eternity.
Monday May 25th
8:47 AMStill on bus. Gospel radio station blaring incessantly. Program hosted by The Mourning Show crew of Pope Hilarius, Enoch, and The Coach.
8:48 AMEnoch prophesies news and weather, other two engage in friendly banter. Also interviews — St John of the Cross, Habakkuk, Red Buttons...
8:49 AMOther segments include Ask A Vet with St Francis, D.I.Y. with Noah, and Bible Interpretation with Jesus. (“No, no! What I MEANT was...”)
8:50 AMAlso various celebrity saints host Thought for the Day. Today's thought by revered church father Origen. His topic...
8:51 AM...“Why cutting off my testicles was the best thing I ever did”. Followed by testy debate with Abelard.
8:52 AMMary, mother of God, does popular segment on household concerns....
8:53 AM...“Okay,” says Mary, “A lot of people have written into the show asking me how to get blood out of clothing...”
8:59 AMPlaying old hymns like “What a Friend We Have in Jesus!” plus new hymns like “Jesus Mowed The Lawn 'Round The Mansion Of My Heart.”
10:41 AMMaking attempt to meet fellow passengers. “Hi, I'm Morrie,” I say to guy in robe and sandals. “I'm Elijah,” he replies...
10:42 AM...“Elijah the Tishbite. Now you ask, ‘What's a tish bite?’”
10:44 AM“What?” I ask. Elijah responds by elbowing me playfully in the ribs.
10:44 AM“Don't you get it?” he replies. “What's a tish bite? It's a joke, but if I'm any kind of prophet I'm predicting you're not going to laugh.”
10:45 AMI move to another seat.
2:26 PMSurrounded by smiling guys in suits with comb-overs. All have Bibles and fierce desire to share the good news of Christ's gruesome death.
2:26 PMAlso a lot of women with big blond hair, knee-length pastel skirts, white blouses, blazers with shoulder pads.
2:27 PMLooks like the entire cast of The PTL Club, circa 1986, which I know because wife Moira watched faithfully, until Bakker sex scandal...
2:28 PM...then switched to Jimmy Swaggert show until sex scandal...
2:29 PM... then Peter Popoff until fraud scandal. Stopped watching just when show getting interesting.
6:06 PMManner of death hot topic. Heart attacks and cancer boringly common. Story of bull goring, ambulance crash, tongue-piercing gone septic...
6:06 PM...frog in throat (actual frog), death on examination table while being probed by alien.
6:07 PM3 people run over by buses! Real menace those things, as in Billy Connolly Woman on Bus routine. File class action lawsuit from hereafter?
6:20 PMTime to reflect. Feel like on holiday at garish theme park. Thus strange not sharing with family. Missing wife, son? No. Missing Judy!
6:21 PMAnd still loathing Huberman with the white hot intensity of a billion suns.
6:22 PMAnd speaking of suns, there isn't one. Not in heaven. No night since illuminated by glory of God 24/7 as in Revelation 21:23...
6:23 tough to get a little shut-eye. (Note to self — buy window coverings.)
6:33 PMJust realized no need to sleep or eat. So deal is you can satisfy any bodily urge in heaven, but you don't have any bodily urges to satisfy.
6:33 PMMust consider full, terrifying implications.
Tuesday May 26th
8:30 AMStill on bus. Slept, ate egg salad sandwich, even though totally unnecessary. Deeply confused upon awakening. Thought I was in hell.
8:48 AMRadio station still playing oldies like “Are You Washed In The Blood?” plus new country songs like “Washed, Rinsed, and Tumble Dried”.
8:49 AM“Washed, rinsed, and tumble dried
Jesus Christ fer me He died
My life stank like a toilet bowl
His type A plus cleansed up my soul!
9:00 AMLooking wistfully out window. Landscape flat, repetitive, like Looney Tunes background: mansion, park, church, mansion, park, church, mansion
9:01 AMJesus said, “I go to prepare a place for you.” Unfinished mansions all over the place. Typical builder...
9:01 AM...never finishes one project before starting another.
1:45 PMPassing large mansion with wrecking ball, gem rubble, gold dust everywhere. Sign says, “Former Future Mansion of Michael Shermer.” Ah.
7:51 PMPassing through New Jerusalem in centre of heaven. Billboard says, “Hey, check it out! It's our Best Jerusalem Ever!” Reading pamphlet...
7:52 PMWe've heard your comments and suggestions about the old, Earthly Jerusalem...
7:53 PM‘Too many suicide bombers and fried foods — not enough rides,’ YOU said. Well...get this! It's TNJ!!! The NEW Jerusalem!!!
7:53 PMTNJ has it all!
7:53 PMRide the Ark of the Covenant down a water slide! Roll away the stone and win a prize! Part the Red Sea just like Moses/Universal Studios!
7:54 PMVisit TNJ's Western (climbing) Wall...
7:55 PM...or have a whale of a time like Jonah and spend three days and nights mucking about in the digestive fluids of a fish. It's funtastic!
7:55 PMWorship at TNJ's Church of the Holy Sepulchre — now even more holy, with even more sepulchres! Fellowship at the 2nd Temple Bar and Grill...
7:56 PM... with absolutely NO money changers — our personal guarantee! And be sure to try our new Head of John the Baptist Platter...
7:56 PMA REAL HEAD (in season) on a crunchy bed of lettuce! It's morbid! It's hilarious! (With your choice of appetizer, 'cause you'll need one!)
7:57 PMNeed even bigger thrills? Then try the Drop Tower to Hell...
7:57 PM...where riders plunge a trillion miles through space into the everlasting fires of Hell (wave to Grandma!) and back again!
7:58 PMVisit Golgotha and get crucified, just like our Lord and Saviour! Wear a crown of thorns, suck a sponge full of vinegar! ...
7:59 PM...(Do you want to suck FASTER? Should we pound those nails HARDER?)!!!
8:00 PMSee Biblical re-enactments! Watch Noah's hilarious antics as he tries to catch two of every insect!
8:00 PMSee Christ heal a leper, even watch Peter cut off his kinsman's ear!
8:02 PMToo tame? Then watch Jael drive a spike through a man's head! See Judith cut one right off! See a man dice his concubine into 12 pieces...
8:02 PM...and then mail the bits around Israel! See David collect 200 foreskins! Ouch!!! That's gotta hurt!!!
8:02 PMYou want more? Then watch God slaughter all the first born males, smite 14,000 whining Israelites, and drown the entire Earth!
8:03 PMIt's laughs for the whole family!
8:03 PMVisit our souvenir shop! Get a TNJ snow globe, a Goliath's head medicine ball, and a trampoline sewn exclusively from enemy foreskins!
8:04 PMYou'll LOVE TNJ! Our Bible-based sites and activities reek of agape and family values!
8:04 PMNobody doesn't like TNJ! Why? Because in heaven — they can't not love it!
Wednesday May 27th
9:19 AMStill on bus. Tiring of fellow passengers. Self-congratulatory, smug — like punter who, by sheer luck, picks (or was born into) winning team.
9:58 AMPerusing pamphlets in order to distract self from thoughts of nemesis — the person who has, essentially, stolen my life. (HUBERMAN!)
10:01 AMReading description of MY mansion — my eternal home in fundamentalist Christian heaven.
10:02 AM(“Home” as in mental asylum? Evidence highly suggestive.)
10:03 AMPicture-perfect two story, mother-of-pearl siding. Convenient to throne of God, river of life, shopping. Quiet neighbourhood.
10:03 AMHuge 50 x 120 foot lot, fenced, mature trees and bushes (fig, olive, juniper, myrtle), perennials (lilies of field, burning bush).
10:03 AMA unicorn owner's dream!
10:05 AMDramatic two-story vestibule, gothic arches, cathedral ceilings. Easy access to public transit. Urban executive charm. Fully furnished.
10:05 AM(Want to change your furnishings? We pick up and deliver in the manner approved of by God Himself. Call Mysterious Ways Moving today!)
10:07 AMElegant master bedroom with 3-piece ensuite. Golden soaker tub, stained glass shower stall, platinum toilet, bidet cut from single diamond.
10:08 AMAll new appliances as in Revelation 21:5 — “Behold I make all things new.”
10:09 AMImpeccably maintained, immaculately conceived. Spotless, washed in blood of Jesus.
10:10 AMJade den + amethyst bonus room above garage. Gleaming solid gold floors throughout.
10:10 AMOversized windows allow glory of God to illuminate eat-in kitchen.
10:11 AMMalachite fireplace in great room. Onyx deck with sapphire pool, quartz hot tub, solid brass barbeque. Can upgrade. Endless possibilities.
2:02 PMHa! Guessing Huberman doesn't have alabaster doorknobs, gold-leafed eavestroughs, and a solid magnetite computer with infinite RAM!
2:04 PMSmall consolation. Want Judy, not topaz toaster oven. Damn Huberman to hell!
2:06 PMSay, I wonder if Huberman IS going to hell!? Happy thought! Must ask St Peter to check for Huberman's name in Book of Life ASAP!
Thursday May 28th
9:08 AMFinally off the looney bus and at new eternal home. “Mansion” a slight overstatement...
9:09 AM...more like single family detached in gigantic gated community — but NOT complaining. Heaven forbid.
9:10 AMBasket from Welcome Wagon in vestibule...
9:10 AM...Milk, honey (unnecessary as flows past house) bottled water which turns into wine, manna, “miracle” loaves and fishes for entertaining.
9:12 AMAlso invitation to “Marriage Supper of the Lamb.” No date given. Detect problem with eternity, lack of day/night cycle — how to tell time?
9:15 AMAnswer found in pamphlet: “YOU don't tell TIME — TIME tells YOU!” Apparently citizens of heaven just know when It's Time and are ready.
9:16 AMHow? Just a bit spooky. Do not remember receiving implant in head.
10:18 AMInspecting house. Den has TV with a trillion channels. All reruns: Touched By An Angel, Teletubbies, 700 Club. No CSI, House etc. Unholy.
10:30 AMCannot “watch a little TV” because TV size of entire wall. Tiny Po 15 feet tall. Tinky Winky terrifying. Am channel surfing on tsunami.
10:35 AMFound basket of blank Thank You cards in kitchen (on rare earth kitchen counter with cultured pearl inlay). All pre-addressed...
10:36 AM...from me to Jesus. Just need to sign, add personal touch. Should probably whip one off now, then post. What to write?
10:37 AM“Dear Jesus: Thanks for super house, dying for sins, etc. BTW, any chance of Special Someone arriving soon? Your Hostage (KIDDING!), Morrie”
1:03 PMCannot understand why toilet not plumbed in. Wish to call plumber. Where is phone?
1:04 PMFound solid peridot phone on lapis lazuli table. Looking up area code for heaven. “Dial π.” (!!!)
1:05 PMAh, one button on phone is π — dials infinite series in seconds. Real time-saver.
1:06 PMCall Plumb Bob, ask him to come in timely fashion. Says cannot be timely, since no time.
1:06 PMOn Earth used to say something “could take forever,” but nothing does. However, Plumb Bob could take forever, literally. Use neighbour's WC?
1:43 PMAha! I remember to put in phone call to St Peter. “Listen, Pete, I need you to check the Book of Life for a name.”
1:44 PM“I'm a busy man, Bund,” says Peter. I hear paper shuffling, rubber stamping, cock crowing 3 times. (“Stupid clock,” Peter spits into phone.)
1:44 PMAlso hear female voice. “Come, Peter!” she says, seductively. “Come on, Honeybun, please?” Peter replies impatiently. “Not now, Gomer!”
1:44 PM“Gomer? Who's Gomer?” I ask. “Nobody you need to mention to anyone else,” says Peter, nervously. “Especially not to Hosea, right?”
1:45 PM“Why shouldn't I mention Gomer?” I ask innocently, but slightly menacingly, in a bank-manager-smelling-blood-in-the-water sort of way .
1:45 PM“All right!” Peter shouts. “I don't like it, Bund — it's not standard procedure but, just this once. What name?”
1:46 PM“Huberman,” I hiss into the mouthpiece.
1:46 PM“Huberman?” asks Peter, incredulous. “You can't be serious. You mean THE Huberman? With the great hair and the charisma and...”
1:46 PM“Yes, damn it, THAT Huberman!”
1:47 PM“Well of course he's in the book!” cries Peter. “You're talking about HUBERMAN for heaven's sake! Huberman the Überman we call him — ”
1:47 PM“Could you just LOOK?” I interject.
1:48 PMAll right, fine — hmm — Huang, Huang, Huang, Huang, Huang, Huang, Huang, Huang, Huang, Hubble, Huber, Hubert — well I'll be damned — NO Huberman!”
1:49 PM“Actually — HE'LL be damned!” I yell throwing the receiver down. Yes! Huberman's going to hell! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! God is VERY good!
1:50 PMWait! What about my Judy? Call Peter back, beg for info. “No can do,” says Peter. “Gomer or no Gomer, one name only.” Slams down the phone.
1:50 PMDisappointed — wanted definite answer — relying on eternal vengeance fantasy re: Huberman AND eternal honeymoon fantasy re: Judy.
1:51 PMStill, how could God NOT allow His most beautiful creature into heaven? Just hope God doesn't try to set Judy up with Jesus. Humph.
3:52 PMSomeone outside front door. I imagine for a moment that it might be Judy. Find myself humming “Heaven must be missing an angel...”
3:53 PMLetter delivered by Post-angel Pat to mail box (solid ammolite)...
3:53 PM...Epistle from Paul. Wages of sin, justification by faith, gift of tongues, plus party invitation welcoming newbies. Potluck.
Friday May 29th
9:28 AMTime for Welcome Party. In park beside river of life that proceedeth out of throne of God. Will bring Wonder Bread and fish. BYOB (Bible).
9:39 AMWalking by many mansions — even jewel-encrusted doghouse (Lassie). Cell phone keeps working without need to be recharged. Must be in heaven.
9:40 AMAlso eternal and unlimited browse and text.
9:41 AMBut — (!!!) if Moira doesn't pay bill, cell phone will be cut off in only about 10 Earth days. Will make most of it while still operational.
9:54 AMFound golden postbox, sent Thank You card to Jesus. Decorated with Christian imagery: stickers of lambs, rainbows, eggs, gory Jesus heads.
9:55 AMThree huge thrones in distance with river gushing out. Also noisy crowd and banners reading “Welcome to the Kingdom!” and “Go Believers!”
11:00 AMGreeted at gates of Welcome to Heaven party by Abraham, Sarah, Noah, Maude Flanders.
11:01 AMMaude Flanders fictional, yes, but undoubtedly just as alive as Abraham, Sarah, Noah ever were.
11:59 AMWow. Huge spread — lots of biblical foods — manna, figs, goat, spelt, potato salad, body and blood of Christ. (Shake and Bake?)
11:59 AMAlso ice cream cake approximately one city block square — special message written in pink icing — “Well done thou good and faithful servant.”
12:00 PMKaren Carpenter, Princess Di, Catherine of Sienna — all gathered around table — bingeing and purging to their heart's content.
12:47 PMMusicians entertaining. Elvis, Palestrina, psalmist David (now goes by “Dave”), The Pope Gregory Plainchant Project, 101 Strings...
12:47 PMAsk if they take requests, am told yes, then ask them to play “Imagine”. Much shuffling, furtive glances. Claim they've never heard of it.
12:55 PMFirst glimpse of God. Like sun with beard, scowl. Eyes shifty, looking jealous, paranoid. Security checking for golden idols/graven images.
12:56 PMApparently God moody S.O.B. as in O.T. Not happy with fornicators, feminists, gays, menstruating women, stem-cell researchers. Could smite.
12:56 PMJesus Christ at right hand of God? No! Good Lord! It's Jerry Falwell looking smug and overfed, as always.
12:57 PMThrone at left hand reserved for Oral Roberts/Billy Graham/Jimmy Swaggert/Jim Bakker/Pat Robertson. (Will have to sit on laps, snuggle).
12:58 PMSurprised to see four huge beasts with six wings each covered with eyes front and back as in Stephen King horror novel...
12:59 PM... each worshipping God as in Revelation chapter 4. No trainers, no cages. Holy, holy, holy s---.
1:00 PMBacking away slowly from freakish, Yahweh-worshipping, multi-eyed beasts. One like lion, one like eagle, one like calf, one like Mother.
1:22 PMBizarre and unexpected mish-mash of people here from prehistoric times to present. When did God start saving people from eternal damnation?
1:22 PMDid not expect Cro-magnons, Neanderthals, Flintstones.
1:22 PMWish Lucy the Australopithecine would shave, put on clothes, as too strongly reminded of Moira's mother.
1:35 PMOthers include many O.T. figures — not technically Christian but Jesus only gleam in God's eye in BC times, so unbelief not their fault.
1:36 PMIntroduced to Adam, Eve, their sons, and all of their sisters whom they had to marry. A lot of grandchildren with 6 toes, third eye, etc.
1:37 PMIntroduced to Samson and Delilah. Samson shaved bald, wearing sunglasses. Delilah wearing ‘I'm with stupid’ t-shirt.
1:52 PMAlso introduced to Gomer and Hosea. “Oh, YOU'RE Gomer!” I say to her. “I heard you over the phone — you were the one who said ‘Come Peter’.”
1:52 PMWhen I say “Come Peter” Gomer coughs loudly. “What was that?” asks Hosea.
1:52 PM“Nothing darling,” says Gomer. “He said that I was the one who said ‘com-puter.’” Gomer scowls.
1:53 PMStill glaring, Gomer says, “I was wondering why we only have Macs in heaven, that's all,” as she steers oikish Hosea toward the food.
1:57 PMI follow them to the table where Job stuffing himself. “Hey, Buddy,” says Job, “be a good Samaritan and pass the latkes will you?”
4:48 PMEzekiel ladling soup as in Ezekiel chapter 24. “My own recipe!” he declares proudly. “No scum!”
4:48 PMSolomon staying with flagons, comforting with apples. Lot manning condiments table. “Salt, anyone?”
4:50 PMLOT? What's HE doing here?!
4:51 PMWhat about offering virgin daughters to townsfolk for rape, drunken incest with daughters and other unpleasantness of Genesis 19?
4:52 PMI ask Lot about scandal.
4:53 PM“If I had a dime for every time — listen, I panicked, all right? I'd been drinking — you know how I get — can't even recognize my own kids for Chr
4:54 PMLot defensive. “Oy! God approved, my friend, that's why he spared us. Well, not my wife — she got turned into a spice. A spice girl — get it?”
4:54 PM“Besides,” continues Lot, “read 2nd Peter — I'm a good man, just like...” (looks around for good man...has trouble finding one handy...)
4:58 PM“...just like Saint Vladimir here,” he says, grabbing St Vlad around the neck and play-punching.
4:59 PM“Ya, me good one,” says St Vladimir in a thick Russian accent.
5:00 PM“Me Viking warrior — marauding, slaughtering — kill brother for to rule Kiev, get hundreds of concubines, wives, not by ask but by force...”
5:00 PM“...then decide to be Christian for politics,” Vlad continues, “get baptized, make everybody in Kiev get baptized — and they make me Saint!”
5:01 PM“Me! Saint!” cries St Vladimir, laughing and slapping his big round belly. “Ha! That good one, ya?”
5:08 PMOdd bunch here. Everyone from Adam to Zappa. Yes, Frank Zappa in heaven — as punishment for “Jesus Thinks You're a Jerk” etc., etc., etc.
5:14 PMJesus working the crowd. “Hey, do you know the one that ends ‘Peter! I can see my house from here!’ No? O.K. I'm on the cross and...”
5:16 PMNot hungry or thirsty but drink 12-kind-fruit-punch, eat slice bamanna cream pie.
5:17 PMSatiation of desires brings pleasure. Again: what if no desire? Answer becoming obvious. (Not painfully obvious as no pain.)
5:18 PMMore details of Welcome Party later. Time for egg and spoon race, crow-eating contest, then three-legged race...
5:19 PM...looking very good for me, as paired with Terry Fox. (YES!!!)
Saturday May 30th
7:53 AMVictory in three-legged race! Tough slog, mind — John the Baptist shooting for the eyes with water pistol, Dorcas lobbing pin cushions...
7:53 AM...Samson taking out competitors with jawbone of ass, martyrs using own dismembered limbs, heads like bowling balls to trip up competitors.
7:54 AMStill, victory! Judge Solomon dispenses medals, certificates. But...gasp! Unfairly awarded silver!
7:55 AM“Ah, sorry — the race is not to the swift,” says Solomon, quoting himself.
7:55 AMSo who takes first? Jesus and Holy Ghost (Sonny and Boo). Feel unfair since Holy Spirit amorphous mass technically without legs at all.
7:56 AMI complain to Jesus. “Hey, blessed are the MEEK, Buster,” replies the Lord in reprimanding tone, hitting nose with rolled up certificate.
7:57 AMWon't protest result further — remember Numbers 16 in which Israelites complained that God was smiting them, and God replied by smiting them.
8:54 AMWill console self with various exhibits. First up, Wilgefortis, the original bearded lady.
8:54 AMDidn't want to marry, so God gave her beard — and, as a bonus, freak-show employment
9:02 AMHmm. Beard or no beard, not sure anyone would have married Wilgefortis. 1st, name. 2nd, drooling. 3rd, could have doubled as fat lady.
9:03 AMSee the Giant! sign says. Expecting Goliath, ho hum. Instead...
9:03 AM...André! Wow! Never met actor, i.e. REAL celebrity before. Shook hands — like shaking a bunch of bratwurst.
9:21 AMNext up, midget's tent. Basically the cast from The Wizard of Oz. Also Judas Iscariot.
9:30 AMFunny, the Bible never says Judas was a dwarf, needed step-ladder to kiss Christ on cheek. And what about that speech impediment?
9:31 AMBetrayal Of Christ somewhat less dramatic if carried out by human equivalent of Donald Duck?
9:39 AMNext martyr's tent — displaying wounds, missing body parts, stigmata, various lines of skin and hair-care products, etc.
10:26 AMJoan of Arc (still smoking by the way) shooting arrows at St Sebastian, purely for entertainment purposes.
10:27 AMAttempting to miss but appalling shot. St Sebastian riddled with arrows. “He was like that before I started,” Joan explains.
10:28 AM“I was,” says Sebastian. “I always wear my arrows, me. ‘Course I take ‘em out before bed...
10:28 AM...'cause I hate it when they break off under the skin. The Lord gave me special tongs to get ‘em out but...what a nuisance!”
11:49 AMJesus doing party trick, the one where He walks on water. Not impressed as have seen hobbit-sized feet. I say big hairy deal.
11:56 AMWatching kiddies playing in inflatable Noah's ark...
11:56 AM...Noah walks by, says, “Jesus! It would've been a hell of a lot easier if I could've just blown the damn thing up.”
12:37 PMAlso inflatable tower of Babel, inflatable Sodom and Gomorrah Fun House (for the teens)...
12:38 PM... and life-sized inflatable Mount Sinai. (Sign: “No crampons please!”)
6:23 PMCurrently lost in corn maze. Not really corn, of course — gold spun to look like corn. Still, seemingly no way out. Metaphor for afterlife.
Sunday May 31st
3:33 PMStill at Welcome to Heaven party, still fellowshipping with confusing hodgepodge of people...
3:34 PM...Pocahontus, Habakkuk, Dudley Moore, Constantine, Nehemiah, Dom DeLuise, St Pelagia of Antioch, my old piano teacher Mrs Kowalski....
3:37 PMStick-on name tags say, “Hello! My name is Polycarp of Smyrna!” or “Hi! I'm the OTHER Mary (Magdalen) ;-) teehee!” or “ME JAVA MAN”.
3:38 PMNo historical or geographical context for any of these people. Taken out of time and place and plopped into the melting pot of eternity.
4:01 PMWelcome Party seemingly endless. Disoriented, need for Me time. Walking home with major nutcase, St Symeon the Stylite.
4:02 PMOn Earth St Symeon lived in hut, then crevice, then on pillar 50 feet high — for 37 years.
4:02 PMNow lives in bejewelled mansion precariously perched atop column. “I'd rather have a hut or a crevice, but you learn to make do.”
4:41 PMSymeon shimmies expertly up column. I wave, he showers me with rubies and emeralds from above. Nice guy.
5:40 PMBack at eternal house. Feeling strange urge to “go” — realize have not done so in what must be days. Toilet still not plumbed in! Will bail.
5:41 PMFelt odd, heard clinking noises. Excreting rubies, emeralds. Explains plumbing situation. Perhaps misinterpreted Symeon's goodwill gesture.
5:42 PMSuddenly I realize...
5:47 PMLooked down pants! Discovered —
5:49 PMImagine that I want to feel profound despair, but no despair in heaven. Only the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Grr!
6:06 PMHow to come to terms with discovery of depressingly altered anatomy? No sexual organs, no desires — no Judy.
6:07 PMAttempting fantasy anyway, solid osmium phone by bed ringing, ringing, ringing — call display indicates Mother.
6:09 PM“Don't embarrass me by forgetting the ‘Marriage Supper of the Lamb,’” says Mother.
6:09 PM“And bring a decent wedding gift for once in your life. Nothing cheap, okay, Mr Cheap?”
6:10 PM“What is this marriage supper?” I ask. “Oh, look at Mr I'm-so-important-I-have-to-know-everything,” she says.
6:10 PM“You'll find out, all right, Mr Nosey?”
6:11 PMHang up. Clearly cannot endure an eternity without sexual organs, with Mother. Decision to end it all surprisingly easy.
6:12 PMThe thing about going to heaven is: you're damned if you do and damned if you don't Thus the following will be my final tweet.
6:13 PMClimbing to roof of house, will throw self off. Goodbye Judy, good riddance Mother. Goodbye fellow Twitterers. And goodbye cruel ... world.
Monday June 1st
1:34 PMAm surprised to find myself still trapped in the land of the living dead (heaven) as throwing self off roof had no effect.
1:34 PMThrew self under several passing buses, swallowed handfuls of diamonds, whacked head repeatedly on marble counter top. Revelation 21:4...
1:35 PM“And there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”
1:36 PMImpasse. Can't kill self as have spiritual body. Wounds heal instantly, hacked off limbs grow back — have even regrown head.
1:37 PMDeath is TOTAL amputation.
4:05 PMHave been Resting In Peace after recent suicide attempts. Hanging, stabbing, choking, drowning, strangling, bleeding, jumping, shooting...
4:05 PM...overeating, under-eating, poisoning, smoking, burning, beheading, overdose, under-dose, electrocution, scorpions, vipers, lions...
4:06 PM...but no luck. Not a scratch on me and still trapped in the sweet hereafter.
5:00 PMAt least bed comfy. 10,000-thread-count, “Ostentatious Opulence Collection.” Sticker on headboard: “Ex Nihilo Furniture and Supply Company.”
5:53 PMMother phones. “Oh there you are, Mister Morbid, cutting his own head off in the front yard where all the neighbours can see, I'm your
5:53 PMmother, how do you think it makes me look when you dismember yourself on the front lawn just like your good-for-nothing Father did when he
5:53 PMfound out I was pregnant with you and then after I backed over him with the car he embarrassed me by leaving me for that nurse just like...”
5:54 PMHang up phone. Look out window, see Mother on phone looking back at me, still talking. Jesus help me.
Tuesday June 2nd
9:08 AMI hear someone outside front door. “Behold I stand at the door and knock,” He says, which is what passes for humour around here.
9:08 AMI open the door. It's the Lord Jesus. Surprise, surprise
9:09 AM“So — “ (Jesus examines fingernails) — “you haven't been to the throne to worship me lately. Do you want to tell me why not?”
9:09 AMAwkward pause. “Well, I can only say thank you so many times. After the first couple of hundred times I don't get much out of it, really.”
9:10 AM“Oh, I get it,” replies Jesus. “It's all about YOU.”
9:10 AM“Well — you got my Thank You card, didn't you?” I ask.
9:10 AM“I didn't like it” He says.
9:11 AM“Well, Jesus, I'm a bank manager, not a poet. If you needed investment advice or a second mortgage it would be different but....”
9:11 AM“Well — anyway I liked the stickers.” Pause. “Especially the ones of my head. You don't forget what a crown of thorns feels like, my friend.”
9:11 AM“No, I guess you wouldn't. Although it has been a couple of thousand years now.”
9:12 AM“Well, yeah. But that's not really the point, is it.”
9:12 AM“What is the point, Lord?”
9:13 AM“The point is, I deserve to be worshipped,” says Jesus. ”I mean, HELLO! I died for your sins, in case you'd forgotten.”
9:13 AM“Well, not specifically for MY sins,” I point out. “I mean, if I'd never been born, you still would have gotten nailed to that cross.”
9:14 AM“Ouch!” says Jesus, flinching. “You just said that so casually. Getting nailed to that tree was no Sunday School picnic you know...
9:14 AM...Anyway, it IS true I died to save the whole world, which only makes my sacrifice that much more magnificent.”
9:15 AM“Well, Jesus, a lot of people give their lives for other people,” I point out. “It's not really that unique a feat...
9:15 AM...especially if you think your death will save the whole world. Who wouldn't give their lives under those conditions?...
9:15 AM...I mean, You died to save billions of people,” I continue, “which on a per capita basis, really isn't that impressive.”
9:16 AMJesus sulked.
9:17 AM“I suppose it's true my blood's spread a little thin.” Jesus looks wounded — I feel like a heel. “Sorry, Jesus.”
9:17 AM“No, really, it's okay,” says Jesus, looking hurt. “I'm not hurt, all right? I just need a little more gratitude.”
9:18 AM“It's just that if a human being wants to be worshipped,” I say, “we generally put him in a straightjacket and lock him up, you know?”
9:18 AM“I realize that. And it's true I'm all man,” says Jesus, flexing His biceps.
9:19 AM“But I'm also all God, and gods get worshipped. That's how you interact socially with a god. It's completely normal in divine circles.”
9:21 AM“But why do you need to be worshipped?” I ask. “Why can't you just be happy without relying on other people to make you feel special?”
9:21 AM“Because I'm a god, and all gods thrive on praise. We're like kids that way. We like to be encouraged and told when we're doing well...
9:23 AM...It's pretty much universal, haven't you noticed?” He adds. “We like to see our creatures on their knees, whispering sweet nothings.”
9:24 AM“It just seems so — medieval, you know?” I point out. “Haven't we moved on from there?”
9:24 AM“I haven't,” Jesus replies. “I'm timeless and eternal. It worked in 3 B.C. and it still works today...
9:25 AM...I just like praise, okay? It feels right, you know? So why don't you bow down before me right now, and say a few ‘Thank you Jesus's.’”
9:25 AM“How long do I have to keep thanking you for that one sacrifice?”
9:25 AM“Well — forever, really.”
9:26 AM“You're going to keep bringing it up for all eternity? I have to be grateful forever?”
9:26 AM“Well, come on — those nails really hurt you know.”
9:26 AMI kneel down. “Thank you Jesus. Thank you, thank you.”
9:27 AM“Yeah, that's right,” says Jesus with a dreamy look on His face. “Keep going......”
Wednesday June 3rd
9:59 AM“And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them.” Revelation 9:6.
10:00 AMDon't know what to do with self. Spent morning hanging, stabbing, disembowelling self, just in case. No pain, no death, no luck.
11:48 AMAll alone in eternal house, wearing crown, surveying fabulous riches, priceless relics, gothic splendour.
11:48 AMOh my Judy! How she would love moonstone microwave, tourmaline toaster, spodumene sponge bag!!!
11:50 AMNot sure she would love relics as much. True that Joseph's coat of many colours makes an attractive bedspread with matching dust-ruffle...
11:51 AM...and Entertainment Centre classy antique, as made of wood reclaimed from holy cradle...
11:52 AM...(though stereo refuses to play anything but John Tesh's “Sax All Night” and “Grand Piano Christmas”. Help!) However...
11:52 AM...some relics a bit spooky. Do not care for tibia-bone comb, lampshades made from martyr's scalps, placemats woven from St Ruan The Hairy.
11:53 AMNor do I care for toothpicks made from — guess what? — nor for spatula/scapula made from St Lawrence (patron St of cooks).
11:55 AMSticker on bathroom scale claims it's made from scales that fell from Paul's eyes on road to Damascus. Oh please.
1:47 PMCurrently preparing comfort food. Naturally marshmallows in cocoa arrange themselves into shape of cross.
1:47 PMMade toast in tourmaline toaster. Had face of Mary, wept butter.
8:55 PMHalf-heartedly watching TV. Disney on Ice, The Flying Nun, Britain's Got Talent with Simon's face blotted out.
8:55 PMBored, bored, bored, and only a couple of weeks into eternity.
Thursday June 4th
8:36 AMDoorbell rings. Amazed to find Mormon Elders — two boys who look like they wouldn't yet have hair on their testicles, if they had testicles.
8:36 AM“You mean there are Mormons living in heaven?” I ask, incredulous. “Oh we don't live in THIS heaven,” Elder Tim replies.
8:37 AM“We have our own heaven, where men are Gods. They have their own planets and hundreds of wives and they procreate for all eternity.”
8:40 AM“Oh good Lord!” I exclaim, falling to my knees voluntarily for a change. “Take me with you! Sweet mother of God, please, take me with you!”
8:41 AM“No can do,” replies Elder Dwayne. “Unless...
8:41 weren't sealed in a secret Mormon Temple ritual by any chance?” I shake my head forlornly. “Aw. Sorry Buddy.”
8:42 AM“Well — what are YOU doing here?” I ask. “Oh, you know,” says Elder Dwayne, adjusting his tie. “Old habits die hard. Would you like a tract?”
8:42 AM“Actually,” whispers Elder Tim, “Mormon heaven's not really all it's cracked up to be. All those women...
8:42 AM...well, they're pregnant most of the time. The mood swings, the heartburn, the swollen ankles....They get a little cranky, you know?”
8:43 AM“And managing a planet isn't exactly easy,” adds Elder Dwayne, “especially a planet full of women who are mad as hell.”
8:43 AM“You got that right,” adds Elder Tim, shivering.
8:47 AM“Trust me, you're better off here,” says Dwayne. “That's really why we come here — to get away from all the screaming — the kids, the men...”
8:48 AM“And from all those bloated women with spit-up stains all down their blouses,” adds Elder Tim, looking haunted.
8:50 AM“At least with all those other wives around they've got loads of help with the housework,” says Elder Dwayne.
8:51 AM“Not like a man/god,” says Tim. “I mean — a planet's a pretty big thing to mow.”
9:04 AMEventually I slam the door in Elder Tim and Elder Dwayne's faces (still the only tried and true method of getting rid of missionaries).
9:05 AMCan't shake the belief that Mormon heaven sounds better than this one — will request transfer.
9:06 AMPhoning God. Get answering machine with perky female voice...
9:06 AM“You've reached the voice mail of (switch to the voice of God) THE ALMIGHTY.” Back to female voice: “Your call is very important to...
9:07 AM...(back to the voice of God) THE ALMIGHTY (back to female voice) so please leave a brief message after the sounding trumpet.” Toot!
9:07 AM“Yes, hello God, this is Morrie — Morrie Bund. Listen...
9:07 AM...I was wondering if — ” “IF you are happy with your message, press one now,” says the perky answering machine voice.
9:08 AM“If you are not happy with your message, press the number of the beast. Your call will be forwarded. Thank you, and have a nice eternity.”
9:16 AMHumph. Will ask St Peter about transfer to Mormon heaven. Meanwhile will order Chinese from Huang's Heavenly House of Hoisin...
9:18 AM...then watch The Waltons followed by Hymn Time with special guest Tennessee Ernie Ford. In heaven, it just doesn't get any better.
9:18 AMNo wait, it does — there are two surprise guests performing as one act — Hildegaard of Bingen Crosby. God help. Please, God help.
Friday June 5th
9:28 AMDecide to get out of mansion, have a jog, explore. Avoid using front door as Mother always peering out of open attic window, like sniper.
9:39 AMI run into St Peter and ask about transfer to Mormon heaven. Peter rolls eyes.
9:40 AM“Listen,” he says, “if I sent every guy who asked me for a transfer to Mormon heaven, there wouldn't be any men left in THIS heaven, okay?”
9:40 AMI sigh. “The thing is, Peter, there's just not very much to do here, in this heaven. It's not very, you know...interesting.”
9:41 AM“Hey, it's EXACTLY like it's described in the Book of Revelation,” says Peter. “The streets of gold, the mansions, the New Jerusalem...
9:41's all in the Bible, Buddy. Read it and weep.
9:43 AMBesides, heaven is all about worshipping God,” says Peter defensively. “THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE. The Bible is really very clear about it...
9:44 it's not exactly as if you were tricked into this afterlife, is it?
9:44 AMHonestly!” Peter continues testily, “if you didn't like the sound of it, why did you ask JESUS to save you?”
9:46 AM“I wasn't thinking,” I reply. “Ah, now we're getting the truth of the matter,” says Peter. “You weren't thinking...
9:46 AM...because if you HAD been thinking you would have asked Allah to save you. That way you could've been in heaven with 72 virgins right now.”
9:47 AM“Really?” I reply, completely awed by the idea and aching with regret.
9:48 AM“Nah,” says Peter. “That's just what they tell people. It's marketing....
9:49 AMBesides, what do you think the women are supposed to do? What kind of heaven would that be for them? You think they get 72 pool boys?”
9:51 AM“What exactly do the women get?” I ask.
9:51 AM“Well,” replies St Peter, “it's sort of like Ikea....
9:51 AMAnyway, why don't you get out more, make friends. Get to know Mother Theresa, for example — she lives right across the street from you.”
9:52 AM“Good idea,” I say. “We can talk about holiness, and leprosy. Thanks for the tip.”
9:52 AM“Oh no,” says Peter. “MT's changed — she swears, smokes, spits...
9:52 AM...and spends all day in a bikini in her hot tub getting rubdowns from buff angelic types.”
9:53 AM“What?! That's disgusting!” I exclaim. “Mother Theresa is supposed to be a paragon of holiness and virtue!”
9:53 AM“Well, come on, give her a break,” replies Peter. “She didn't have much of a life did she? Listen, that's what heaven's all about —
9:53 AM1) worshipping God and 2) being given an eternity of goodies to make up for all the innocent suffering you went through on Earth.”
9:56 AM“But you can't make up for innocent suffering!” I counter, on behalf of all tortured kittens everywhere.
9:56 AM“Well what are we supposed to do?” says Peter. “What's your bright idea? “Listen — think of the kingdom of heaven as a government, right?
9:56 AM...and think of God as the president. All knowing, all powerful and, frankly, a bit of a screw-up....
9:57 AMSo you can't really say that innocent suffering isn't ultimately his fault, can you. Now...
9:57 AM...when a government screws up, what do they do? How do they usually compensate people for innocent suffering?”
9:57 AM“They give them money?”
9:57 AM“Exactly!” replies Peter. “Compensating victims with material wealth is standard procedure. It's our way of saying...
9:58 AM...sorry about your miserable life and traumatic death...
9:58 AM...we'll make it up to you with a solid magnetite computer and a 100 % martyr-bone dinette set, okay?
9:59 AMYou see the beauty of the system? You throw people a bone (sometimes literally), everybody's happy, and nobody's suing anybody.”
9:59 AM“Well what about all those people who go to hell?” I ask. “What about their suffering?”
9:59 AM“Their suffering is, clearly, THEIR fault,” says Peter in a huffy tone. “They were warned and yet they still chose NOT to believe in God.”
10:00 AM“Oh come on,” I protest. “Is not believing in God really such a big deal?”
10:00 AM“Hey, Buddy,” says Peter, wagging his finger in a warning sort of way, “how would you like it if somebody didn't believe in you?”
10:00 AM“But I'm not invisible! If I was invisible, I think I'd understand it!”
10:01 AMConversation pointless, like talking to wall. More than one reason why Peter has reputation as a rock.
10:01 AMNo hope of transfer to more desirable heaven. No hope of anything.
10:01 AMWalking home, head bowed. Damn, forgot to ask about Marriage Supper of the Lamb.
10:02 AMWill do it tomorrow...
10:02 AM...except — no tomorrow. Eternity one endless, sunny day.
10:03 AMSuddenly remember old life: watching sports on TV, sitting in recliner with cold beer, nuts. Said it was heaven on earth...
10:03 AMThat's what's needed here — more earth in heaven.
Saturday June 6th
8:44 AMThe doorbell rings. Mormons? JWs? Jesus, god forbid? No. It's Mary Kay doing her rounds with Tammy Faye Bakker and Frank Zappa on a chain.
8:44 AMI slam the door immediately, continue watching Highway to Heaven marathon.
8:50 AMThe bell rings again. Oh no. It IS Him this time. “Hello, Lord.”
8:51 AM“Hello, Morrie,” says Jesus with a big sigh. “So...
8:51 AM...again you've been shirking. You haven't praised me in days and I'm feeling a bit neglected I don't mind telling you.”
8:51 AM“Yeah, I know,” I reply, scuffing my shoe. “It's just — well, it's like I said to Peter. No offence but it's not very interesting here.”
8:52 AM“Hey listen, Buddy, you're lucky to be here. It's only by the grace of ME that you're here at all. MY grace, MY sacrifice. Got that?”
8:52 AM“Yeah, I know but — ”
8:52 AM“Hey! Just don't forget about MY surrender on the cross, all right? YOU try sucking a sponge of vinegar, see if YOU like it.
8:52 AMThat spear in my side? YOUR fault, not mine. I took the hit, right? I was blameless but because of YOUR sin, Mr Sinful, I got martyred.”
8:54 AM“You sound like my mother.”
8:55 AMJesus glared.
8:55 AM“It's just — I think I'm lonely,” I say.
8:56 AM“Lonely?” exclaims Christ. “Christ! How can you be lonely with Mother Theresa living across the street? The woman's a maniac! I mean...
8:56 AM...she parties nonstop. Her place is always packed. The throbbing music, the strobe lights, the booze — it's like a discotheque over there.”
8:57 AM“That's disco-Tek, Lord — hard ‘t’ sound.”
8:57 AM“Whatever,” says Christ.
8:58 AM“It's just, I was hoping for — ” I pause meaningfully — “that special someone.”
8:58 AM“Ah,” says Jesus. “Right. Now I get it.”
8:58 AM“You do?” I ask, hopefully.
8:59 AM“Of course I do. Do you think I'm not a mind reader? I AM God, you know, no matter what the Jews say. And the Hindus. And Richard Dawkins.
8:59 AMAnyway, you've done nothing but obsess about it since you got here and it's really starting to get on my nerves.”
8:59 AM“Sorry, Jesus,” I say, then ask, “so — is there anything you can do about it?”
9:00 AM“Yeah, fine, whatever. I'll arrange it. An untimely death and then — whoosh — your sweetheart — your ‘little Bunnykins’ — will be in your arms.”
9:00 AM“What?! Really?!” This is incredible. I can't believe my ears. “And what about living arrangements? I mean, could I get a room ready?...
9:00 AM...Even a...a...bed? Could we, uh, share?”
9:01 AM“Frankly I don't care what you do as long as you stop moping. Obsessing. You've been a wet blanket ever since you got here.”
9:01 AM“Oh, Jesus!” I cry, “All that's all going to change. We'll explore heaven, go to TNJ, church picnics — ”
9:01 AM“Fine, fine, whatever. I don't care. Just so long as you start praising me again.”
9:02 AM“But, as I've mentioned, Jesus, I find worship extremely bor — ”
9:02 AM“Hey! Do you want that special someone or not?”
9:02 AM“Sorry Lord! Oh, and by the way, you know I don't mean my wife, right? I mean from the office — ”
9:03 AM“I know exactly who you mean, you devil. I know whose hair you want to stroke, whose lips you want to kiss...
9:03 AM...I'm like a prophet that way. And I wasn't exactly born yesterday, you know. I can read the signs.”
9:03 AM“Well — hallelujah!” I cry, meaning it for once. “I praise you, oh Jesus, thank you, oh Jesus!”
9:03 AM“Oh that's much better!” says Jesus encouragingly. “Hey, I've got an idea...
9:04 AM... why don't you do that thing where you raise your hands and get filled with my spirit? Maybe do a bit of that babbling I like so much.”
9:04 AM“You mean speaking in tongues?”
9:04 AM“Yeah, that's it. I love that, it's so totally crazy. I never came up with that, you know, it was all your guys' idea.”
9:04 AM“Well, I've never done it, but...” I fall to my knees and raise my hands. “Bo so foe joe no crow blow ko so roe.”
9:05 AM“STOP!” cries Jesus. “Get outta here! That's Judoon! Who do you think I am, Dr Who? Now I know you're faking. Let's try again.”
9:05 AMSigh. “Oh freddeled gruntbuggly — ”
9:05 AM“ADAMS!”
9:05 AMOne last time. “Oh — Sniffleheimen Obblanox! Purdingly snik buntsnoo....
9:06 AM“Oh yeah, that feels great,” says the Lord, looking stoned. “Keep it up, Sport, keep it up.”
Sunday June 7th
7:01 AMCompletely over the moon about Judy, though sorry about being a teensy bit responsible for her premature death.
7:06 AMHuberman's probably weeping over her cold dead body right now. Ha!
7:08 AMShould possibly feel guilty, but point is that I can give Judy so much more here, in paradise, than Huberman could ever give her on Earth.
7:10 AMAfter all, heaven jam-packed with precious riches. Moonstone microwave, tourmaline toaster, spodumene sponge bag just the beginning!
7:13 AMFor instance, I can give Judy MILLIONS of new “best friends”, if diamonds are as advertised! Ha! How do you like THEM apples, Huberman!?
8:02 AMDecide to go for a jog, run into Saint Peter again, remember to ask about “Marriage Supper of the Lamb”.
8:02 AM“So who's getting married?” I ask, taking a swig of holy water.
8:02 AM“Silly,” says St Peter. “You are.”
8:03 AMI choke, water spraying everywhere. “What did you say? You mean, I get to be married?” Suddenly heaven looking a lot more attractive.
8:03 AM“Of course you do,” replies Peter. “Well that's bloody fantastic!” I say. “I get to marry Judy, right? I mean — who do I marry? Who is she?”
8:04 AM“She?” asks Peter. “She? SHE? Oh no, no, no. You're not marrying a woman.”
8:04 AM“What do you mean I'm NOT MARRYING A WOMAN?”
8:04 AM“You're marrying a lamb,” Peter explains. “You know, THE Lamb — of God — aka Jesus. Didn't you know?”
8:04 AMI grab my chest and fight for air. “Oh come now,” says Peter. “Every man is naturally a little nervous when he finds out he's a bride...
8:05 AM...because he doesn't know what it's going to be like...
8:05 AM...will I get pregnant? Will He bring home a disease? Will it hurt? Just the sort of question all brides have.”
8:06 AM“No, oh God, no!” I say, closing my eyes and collapsing onto the golden sidewalk. It's then I hear sniggering.
8:06 AM“I really had you going there, didn't I?” says Peter.
8:07 AMI open my eyes, see Peter smiling smugly. “Sorry, but it gets a little dull around here sometimes.”
8:07 AM“Tell me about it,” I say. “So — you mean I'm not getting married to a — a man?” I ask, relieved. “I get to marry Judy after all?”
8:07 AMPeter laughs. “Silly! Of course you're marrying a man. You're marrying the Son of God, just like everybody else. It's standard procedure.
8:08 AMDoesn't anybody read their Bibles anymore?” asks Peter, exasperated. “It's all there AND in your Welcome to Heaven brochure.
8:08 AMSecond Corinthians 11:2 —
8:08 AMI am jealous over you with godly jealousy, for I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present YOU as a chaste virgin to Christ.”
8:08 AM“But JUDY'S coming to heaven!” I cry. “I want to marry Judy!”
8:09 AM“Well you and Judy can marry Him together if you like. Anyway, your garter belt's in the closet. Toodles!”
Monday June 8th
8:21 AMStill feeling nauseous over totally creepy Marriage Supper of the Lamb business. NOT GAY so, naturally, do NOT want to be bride of Jesus.
8:22 AMAm used to idea of thanking Him FOREVER for that ONE sacrifice and, though obviously vile, eating His body and drinking His blood...
8:23 AM...but marrying the guy? Oh come on! Even metaphorically, idea appalling, sleazy.
8:23 AMWould be far more comfortable with ceremony making Jesus, say, vice president or head coach — NOT husband. Don't want to be the woman!
6:06 PMAh! Jesus just phoned about MY SPECIAL SOMEONE! Judy's in heaven already and He's bringing her around tomorrow!
6:07 PMMust spend rest of day polishing gems, appliances, relics, worshipping the Lord (MUST stay on good side!!!)
6:14 PMYesterday had phoned Ex Nihilo Furniture and Supply Company, ordered luxuries for my Judy.
6:15 PMEx Nihilo just came around with tiny minivan, pulled out gigantic mirror for ceiling plus king-sized holy-water bed.
6:25 PMHope Judy will love creamy satin Shroud of Turin duvet and pillow shams.
6:40 PMJust realized that tomorrow cell phone will probably be cut off for eternity, if Moira did not pay bill.
6:41 PMWill likely not be able to Twitter, but will certainly be IN a twitter!
6:42 PMReally, no time to tweet. Must make everything perfect for my little Bunnykins (as Jesus ALWAYS refers to her — so sweet!)
Tuesday June 9th
5:34 AMGuessing that these are my final hours in the Twitterverse and that these will be my final Tweets.
5:37 AMEverything's ready for my Judy!
7:40 AMDoorbell rings. I look out window, see Jehu the son of Nimshi pulling away from curb like a madman. And standing at the door is...
7:46 AM...Jesus! Jesus is at the door! For once I'm happy to see the guy! I fling the door open, and who do I see standing behind Jesus? It's...
7:59 AM“Huberman?!” I scream. “What's Huberman doing here?”
7:59 AM“What do you mean what's Huberman doing here?” says Jesus. “You said you wanted someone special from your office.
7:59 AMObviously, that's Huberman.”
8:00 AM“What?! Huberman's not special!”
8:00 AM“Oh, come on!” says Jesus. “Who could be more special than Huberman?” Jesus puts his arm around Huberman's shoulders, gives him a squeeze.
8:00 AM“Besides, I have several trillion more years experience than you so I think I know who's special and who isn't.”
8:01 AM“But I meant Judy!” I cry. “Judy's special!”
8:01 AM“Judy? I admit Judy's kind of cute,” says Jesus, stroking His beard...
8:02 AM“...but just look at Huberman! Look at the cleft in that chin, the dimples, the charm. The executive hair, the snappy dress...”
8:02 AMI grab my thinning hair in bunches, fall to my knees. “Imbecile!”
8:03 AM“Hey, that's enough of your lip, Buddy!” warns Jesus. “Let's not forget who sacrificed what for whom...
8:03 AM...Those weren't little ¼-inch finishing nails in my palms you know — they were hot-dipped galvanized 8-inch cut spikes...
8:03 AM... And did I mention my crown of thorns? Made from 100% poison ivy. Do you know how itchy I was up there? I had hives in my — ”
8:04 AM“Oh, shut up!” I sob. “Shut up about your spikes and your crown of thorns and your sopping sponge of vinegar! I don't care all right?”
8:04 AM“Oh very nice. I get nailed to a cross and this is the thanks I get?”
8:05 AM“I meant Judy!” I moan. “How could you imagine that I meant Huberman?”
8:05 AM“Because you're obsessed with Huberman. You always have been, so naturally I just assumed.”
8:06 AM“Didn't you read my mind? I thought you said you could read minds!”
8:06 AM“Of course I can read minds, but why bother when your species is so predictable?”
8:06 AM“Well you clearly didn't know what I was thinking!”
8:07 AM“Hey, I heard you thinking in front of my throne, Buddy. YOU thought, and I quote...
8:07 AM...‘Huberman. Oh my little Bunnykins!’ You even texted it. Don't think I didn't see.”
8:07 AM“What?!”
8:07 AM“Well, look at the transcript. It's all there...
8:08 AM‘Note that black side weighed down with thoughts of Judy, Huberman. Oh my little Bunnykins!” That's EXACTLY what YOU wrote.”
8:08 AM“I meant Judy!” I cry. “Judy is my Bunnykins!”
8:08 AMHuberman puffing out chest, flexing muscles. “You mean my girlfriend Judy? What about her?” Huberman seems to be inflating.
8:09 AM“Hey,” says Huberman, putting two and two together. “Is this guy the reason I'm dead?”
8:09 AM“Yes, but — you don't mind do you?” says Jesus.
8:09 AM“I thought you'd be happy to see each other. You are his little Bunnykins you know. I figured the feeling was mutual.
8:10 AMWell, anyway, I'll see you two lovebirds later,” says Jesus, turning to leave. Huberman advancing, pounding fist into palm.
8:10 AM“Oy!” I shout. “I don't want Huberman living with me! You can't leave me alone with him!”
8:12 AM“Sorry, Morrie, but we're a bit short on space,” explains Jesus. “You know, there are a lot more people here than we thought there'd be...
8:12 you two are going to bunk up for a while. All right?”
8:13 AM“No!” I cry, “It's not all right! The guy's going to pound the living daylights out of me, can't you see that?”
8:13 AM“Well that's nothing to worry about,” says Jesus. “You know there's no pain in heaven, no death. Only joy.”
8:13 AM“And pounding the crap out of you for all eternity's going to give me plenty of joy let me tell you,” says Huberman.
8:14 AM“But it won't give ME any joy!”
8:14 AM“Sure it will,” says Jesus reassuringly. “This is heaven. It's all good here.”
8:15 AM“Oh please, Jesus! Save me!”
8:15 AM“Oh here we go,” says Jesus, eyes rolling. “Where have I heard THAT before?
8:15 AMListen, I saved you already — remember my sacrifice on the cross? The nails? The spear? The crown of thorns? That was ME saving YOU, got it?”
8:16 AM“I mean NOW! Save me from Huberman NOW, you idiot!”
8:16 AM“Hey, let's not get stroppy, all right? My ways are higher than your ways, Buddy. A LOT higher, all right? Now you two get settled in —
8:16 AM — and later we'll have the Marriage Supper of the Lamb.” “What's that?” asks Huberman. “It's where we marry Him,” I say, pointing to Jesus.
8:17 AMHuberman's eyes as round as dinner plates. “Oh don't worry,” says Jesus. “It's metaphorical. Mostly metaphorical,” adds Jesus, winking.
8:17 AMCell phone about to die, to just blank out forever and ever. Wish I could join it.
8:17 AMHere comes Huberman to pound the crap out of me for all eternity.
8:29 AMIt's going to be good.

Morrie Bund's Twitters from the Afterlife was written and performed by I. H. Smythe on Twitter!

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