Noah was 600 years old when God asked him to build a boat the size of a shopping mall, to travel the world collecting a male and female of as many as thirty million species, and then to keep them from eating each other, and him. Do you believe the fact that Noah was 600 years old actually makes the story much funnier than it already is? Does it amuse you, as it does me, to picture a 600-year-old man building penguin traps, balancing unsteadily as he tries to entice bored-looking Bighorn Sheep off their ledges, or perhaps standing forlornly on a dusty road holding a lizard tail while the lizard scarpers off? Are you glad that Noah was not, say, 35, because it is much funnier to think of a 600-year-old man pumping his scrawny little arms and legs as he runs away from a couple of Komodo Dragons, all the while trying to shake a Gila Monster off his hand after it’s bitten him and won’t let go? Explain why this is tragically hilarious, as well as the image of Noah peering through watery eyes, long-since clouded over by cataracts, in an attempt to determine the gender of two midges.
Also, in light of Noah’s advanced age, do you now believe that your own grandparents are shockingly lazy? In order to win back your respect, do you intend to give them ark blueprints and a zoo pass for Christmas, with instructions to “Get cracking?”
Later on in Noah’s life he was sleeping without any clothes on (pyjamas had not yet been invented) when his son Ham entered the room without knocking. Noah, who was about 800 years old at this time, and so probably looked like a big white raisin with eyeballs, was madder than a wet hen about this, and so he made Ham, and all of his descendants for the rest of eternity, be the slaves of his brothers.
Question: which do you think is worse—having an 800-year-old raisin with eyeballs for a dad, being made your brothers’ personal slave, or being given the name Ham? What if Noah’s last name was “Burger?” Do you think he was trying to curse Ham with a joke name? Do you think a joke name is an effective punishment for someone who can’t seem to learn to knock?
Do you think Noah’s friends helped him collect animals for the ark, making the job go just ever so much quicker? If so, do you think Noah said to his friends, “Here’s the plan everyone—we’re going to build an ark, fill it with animals, and then God’s going to kill you.” Do you think Noah mumbled the last few words? Or do you believe Noah sugarcoated the truth by letting his friends put all of their belongings onto the ark so that they themselves believed they would be going? If Noah did this, do you think he felt a little guilty afterwards using all their stuff?